this is my crackpot theory about jennifer lopez:
she doesn’t know how to twerk.
that is a crazy sentence to write. jennifer lopez? j-lo? jenny from the block whose love don’t cost a thing? the former fly girl? i mean, DAT ASS?
yes, jennifer lopez, known for all of those things, cannot twerk. she has a delightful ass, a wonderful starter derrière if you’re just getting into buns. it’s kind of legendary, no? also, she’s a great dancer, she’s in ridiculous shape for a woman in her mid-40s who has had twins, she’s still foine.
and yet, by today’s exacting booty-popping standards, she can’t twerk - not the way we as a people have come to expect our sexy asses to move. she can shimmy it, she can shake it, she can knock it against a wall, she can bounce it off of a much lesser ass (ahem, iggy) - but she ain’t doing no handstands, ya dig?
aaaaaaaaand, i think this is because she never had to twerk. back in the day, it was enough to have a fat ass that could fill out dem jeans in an appetizing way. skin tight leggings, the highest of heels, glossy red lips, hoop earrings - you were pretty much set. sure, you needed to know how to shake your ass (but watch yourself), but it was an honor just being around it. now, you have to be able to sign your name on the head of a pin using only your butt cheeks.
did j-lo embarrass herself in this video? oh, hell no. she still got DAT ASS and she’s putting it on obvious display in a way i can’t really remember her doing previously. her ass is part of my life goals. but as i watched, i found myself thinking, “eh, nothing special,” because she wasn’t opening a jar of pickles with her cakes. that’s how ingrained twerking currently is. i had to step back and appreciate a more mature, seasoned take on the artform.
(sidenote: iggy azalea’s ass, much like iggy azalea herself, is trying too hard.)