new life plan: dance with abandon like a bagel in the street.

sometimes when you’re rushing around the city, stressing yourself out, you forget that you have people who love you. then your cousin comes to your show.


Hey! You say it’s been a minute? Well, here’s something. Shalewa’s going to be in the South for a weekend, so SHAKE’s hitting the road for a quick run. Come see us tell jokes at Alley Bar (Montgomery, 10/17), Alchemy Tavern (Mobile, 10/18), and Hi-Lo Lounge (New Orleans, 10/19).

here’s something i’m very excited about.


(lord, that flyer is a mess.)

anyhoo! HOW DO I GET THERE? #9! my favorite number! and this one is clutch, everyone. september brings:

eric grundhauser - comic/editor at atlas obscura/super sweet guy

ashley bez - comic/personal style icon/super sweet gal

shakir standley - comic/DJ/featured player on MTV’s wild ‘n out/super sweet guy

erin gloria ryan- news editor at jezebel/dates a comic, which makes her braver than all of us/super sweet gal

i’m extremely excited about this month’s show. i may even prepare for it!

please join us. it’ll be fun.

8pm, wednesday, 09.24.2014, free.

the creek and the cave, 10-93 jackson ave, long island city, ny.

GUYS, THIS IS MY SHOW. come out if you can.

this is my crackpot theory about jennifer lopez:

she doesn’t know how to twerk.

that is a crazy sentence to write. jennifer lopez? j-lo? jenny from the block whose love don’t cost a thing? the former fly girl? i mean, DAT ASS?

yes, jennifer lopez, known for all of those things, cannot twerk. she has a delightful ass, a wonderful starter derrière if you’re just getting into buns. it’s kind of legendary, no? also, she’s a great dancer, she’s in ridiculous shape for a woman in her mid-40s who has had twins, she’s still foine.

and yet, by today’s exacting booty-popping standards, she can’t twerk - not the way we as a people have come to expect our sexy asses to move. she can shimmy it, she can shake it, she can knock it against a wall, she can bounce it off of a much lesser ass (ahem, iggy) - but she ain’t doing no handstands, ya dig?

aaaaaaaaand, i think this is because she never had to twerk. back in the day, it was enough to have a fat ass that could fill out dem jeans in an appetizing way. skin tight leggings, the highest of heels, glossy red lips, hoop earrings - you were pretty much set. sure, you needed to know how to shake your ass (but watch yourself), but it was an honor just being around it. now, you have to be able to sign your name on the head of a pin using only your butt cheeks.

did j-lo embarrass herself in this video? oh, hell no. she still got DAT ASS and she’s putting it on obvious display in a way i can’t really remember her doing previously. her ass is part of my life goals. but as i watched, i found myself thinking, “eh, nothing special,” because she wasn’t opening a jar of pickles with her cakes. that’s how ingrained twerking currently is. i had to step back and appreciate a more mature, seasoned take on the artform.

(sidenote: iggy azalea’s ass, much like iggy azalea herself, is trying too hard.)


*holds own titty for comfort*

i feel for anyone who is unable to do this. it’s how i go to sleep 78% of the time.


Thank you so much to the people at @cl_atl making me a part of this years Best of Atlanta issue

i’m so proud of this guy. i’m so proud of this guy.

also, congrats to wonder comedy for being named the best comedy show you’ve never been to. if you click on that, you will notice that my comedy bae is listed as one of atlanta’s best comedians. can’t argue with facts. ALSO, congrats to rotknee at star bar for special mention about his comedy record label, rotknee presents records. did i mention that i’m slated to record an album for this label? well, i am. at some point, i will be recording an album at star bar. but that’s the future! let’s talk about how proud of rob i am right now!


I started taking a Portuguese course last week. The demographics of the class provide a window into what kind of foreigners come to Rio. There are two types: the adventurer and the sexpat.

The adventurers are genuinely interested in Brazilian culture, but will only be here a little while. They just go to the beach and hang out. One adventurer in my class is a woman from Portland, OR who is on a 6-month sabbatical she earned by working at Starbucks for 14 years. I think she’s here to catch a glimpse of an actual black person. Another is an Italian girl who defines herself through her evasive answers to basic questions in Portuguese. For example, if asked, “Where are you going after class?” She will reply, “Depends…,” as if to imply some vaguely slutty possibility.

Then there’s the sexpats: people living as expatriots becuase they have a Brazilian lover. We are here for a more indefinite period of time and are generally more stressed out. It’s scary to move abroad just becuase you know one person from there - imagine moving to America because you know one dude named Reggie. Not easy, Reggie already has friends.

In addition to me, the class features a Russian sexpat who moved to Rio with her Brazilian boyfriend of 6 months. She’s pretty, but if I blur my eyes a little I can see her as an old peasant woman with a kerchief on her head. It’s the price you pay for growing up with Iron Curtains. There is also a beautiful Argentine guy who speaks only Spanish despite the course being taught in English. If you saw his eyes, you’d understand why we let it slide (pools of dark, flavinoid-rich, dark chocolate).

Rio is in the business of beautiful things and that’s why people are here. Whether you’re an adventurer or a sexpat, one thing is certain, learning Portuguese is the only thing that will prevent you from getting fucked over all day, everyday by smiling Brazilians. That’s why we’re there together…doing worksheets.

i love mike kaiser and miss him more and more each day.

i’ve been thinkin’ bout you.

i’ve been thinkin’ bout you.

listening to this over and over because i just don’t know what to believe in anymore. i mean, it’s still marvin gaye-like vocals and drugs, so it’s topical.

(look, robin thicke throwing pharrell under the bus is some BITCHMADE SHIT FOR SURE, but if pharrell thought he was going to get away with basically stealing that marvin gaye joint…sheeeeeeiiiiiiiiiittttttt. can’t we go back to 2001 or something? it was all so simple then, all of our happy asses in the club.)

(Source: Spotify)