a shameful whisper

i say this a lot, but i’m serious - will somebody please think of the children? because this song is going to be a springtime banger and that means the young ones will be singing an ode to a sexual position. let that marinate. and it’s not even subtle. “put your hands in the air/wave ‘em round and go/yee-haw”? c’mon, son. try to explain that to your nieces.

and can we talk, joan rivers, about the imagery? the falling wine glass full of cherries that breaks? the red liquid that’s flying everywhere? the red fabric that takes on a fallopian tube shape? i ain’t one for symbolism, but t-pain - you gotta leave those young chicks alone, playa.

i will say this: those lyrics are ridiculous/hilarious. i get a feeling that when t-pain comes up with the words, he realizes how funny that crap is….unlike, say, the pied piper of R&B. real talk.

y’know what i really hate? that i will probably love this song in, like, 8 months. i fell in love with buy you a drank TWO YEARS after it was popular. t-pain keeps wearing me down, man.

if you’ve read my sporadic posts, you’ve picked up on my love for the award show. well, tonight was a doozy - the academy awards! yay! woot! and all that jazz. anyhoo, i tweeted the damn thing. enjoy.

zac efron is not going to let robert pattinson steal his thunder, fights back with Oscar bedhead. and we’re off. #oscars #thesekidstoday

“i was as honored when i did soul plane…” mo’nique finally speaks to my soul. #oscars

why is “tik tok” the oscars theme song on E? ugh. #oscars

ryan seacrest to nick cannon: “i like your hustle.” high praise indeed. #oscars

um, if you follow me and my #oscars updates annoy you, then you probably should’ve dropped me, like, 3 award shows ago. #thisiswhatidoson

zoe saldana is entirely too articulate for the red carpet. #oscars

RT @ebertchicago: ABC’s fashion commenter analyzing Mariah’s hemline, pleats and pin. What about her BOOBS? Russ Meyer would be ecstatic.

a pocket square AND a boutonniere, tom ford? take one thing off like coco chanel, dude. #oscars #overkill

tim mcgraw in a tux. #oscars #secretshame (too bad about that toupee, however.)

miley cyrus & her mom roll the trailer up to the big show. I HATE HER. #oscars

jason bateman IN A TUX. #oscars #spankbank

um, i kind of LOVE j.lo’s dress. lord help me. #oscars

oh, keanu. if you can’t grow a full beard, don’t even attempt it. #oscars

“if fashion was porn, this dress is the money shot.” GABBY SIDIBE IS OFFICIALLY THE BEST PERSON IN THE WORLD. don’t even fight it. #oscars

suddenly everybody started live-tweeting 5 minutes ago. i’ve been here for two hours already. #oscars #ryanlikesMYhustle

wow. you really don’t appreciate what seacrest does until you see sherry shepherd or kathy ireland attempt it. #oscars

wait, SJP is wearing challah as a headpiece? that ain’t kosher. #oscar

kathy ireland interviewing miley cyrus is like watching those old navy mannequin commercials. #oscars

neil patrick harris can’t save everything. #oscars

damn. i guess the cheap seats are based on the novel by sapphire. #oscars

i keep wondering what 1982 has to do with this year’s show. #oscars

magical negroes never go out of style. #oscars #theblindside

i’m team #coraline, cuz that’s the only one i’ve seen. #oscars #iamslippingonmyanimationgame

are those two marrying each other? #oscars #toneitdownladies #miley #amandaseyfried

how am i just finding out that colin farrell is in crazy heart? also, t-bone burnett scares the crap out of me. #oscars

we’re just zipping along, aren’t we? i guess we’ll need the extra time for the “in memoriam” section. #oscars #toosoon?

dammit. i am not emotionally equipped for a john hughes retrospective right now. #oscars #handmemycryingtowel

whoa. i didn’t really need that last part. but i guess judd nelson did. #oscars #johnhughes

RT @theBLinn: Judd Nelson should win an award for that mustache.

they aren’t kidding about cutting the mics. #oscars #playmeoffkeyboardcat

comedian giving a comedianne an award? i see what you did there, #oscars.

she totally got that because of her work in “soul plane.” #oscars #monique

RT @DavidDTSS: The Parkers: Featuring Academy Award Winner Mo’Nique

challah bread AND crazy flyaway strands. SJP’s hair thinks this is the dress rehearsal. #oscars

wait, i just realized that the “precious” people are in those awkward seats because they’re too big to sit in “regular” ones. #oscars #boo

RE: steve & alec - canceling each other out. just steve or just alec. (and really, i mean just jon stewart.) #oscars

does james taylor have a song that’ll last long enough for this section? #oscars

RT @changingmyplea: Can we just go ahead and put “Film” on this death montage list?

that death montage should have been a lot longer, but at least we got the dancing, right? right? #oscars

if you’re not dancing in slo-mo away from a burning car a la “crash” then i ain’t trying to see it. #oscars

that could have used either rob lowe or snow white. #oscars

director’s race: first lady? first black? choose carefully - you can only have one. #oscars

fischer stevens hits the stage; my reaction was a very Raaaaaaaandy-like, “whoooooooaaaaaa!” #oscars

tyler perry. i will never, NEVER feel bad about clowning you on stage. #oscars

i can’t believe they brought back this funeral-for-the-living steeze. #oscars #inlieuofflowersjustgiveoutthedamnawards

S.W.A.T. was just mentioned at the oscars. mark your calendars. #oscars

jeff bridges is a good actor. you’d never guess how much he campaigned for it. #oscars #itwasjusthistime

this is still better than that freaknik cartoon. #oscars

she totally got that because of her work on “point break.” #oscars #kathryn

RT @bazookaluca: WOMEN WIN!!!! FUCK YOU WHITE AND BLACK MEN!!!

“i am woman”? boo. you’re not the roots, oscars orchestra. #oscars

(no, seriously? call jon stewart next year, please.)

my dog just woke, barked “in yo FACE, james cameron!!” and went back to sleep. guess we’re done. #throwsdownmicsexualchocolatestyle #oscars

also, buying this netbook solely to live-tweet the #oscars? totally worth it. #thisiswhyimbroke